Trauma-dazling

 There are questions left in my mind,

of why people always leave?

why don't they find reasons to stay? 

Is it satisfying to hurt such a genuine heart?

There are two personas in my mind,

One that stay in the dark pit and loves playing around the edge of a cliff,

And one that floats on heavenly wonders, with eyes wide open and sprinkle glitter dust

These two don't hang out together, well at least, most of the time

I have to incredibly admit,

they have loud voices,

Loud enough to tear me apart 

or cause chaos in my mind and in my heart.

They were given their own space, 

their own thoughts,

but one thing I failed to give, and I wish I could-

is to give their own timeline

They clash most of the time in my head, 

I could say they were very well with their jobs 

Infact, they could be a lawyer if they were humans,

But I can't decide because, I am both the case and the judge

They keep on talking and arguing till this very moment

Gladly I have learned to ignore them, 

to cloud their noise, 

or convince them that this is nothing serious

But they are smart enough to discern,

and I could say that they are bold,

and they have strong personalities and opinions,

strong and heavy like cosmos overwhelming my head most of the time

Their thoughts held me hostage,

For me they are my antipathic predators that hunts for constant validation,

I maybe their pray, but they don't kill me, they don't feed on me

they feed on people's actions that validates their thoughts that would either kill me, or free me

One action that one would be validated and say,

"Aha! I was right!" or "Thank God you were wrong"

It depends on the answer whether I would live or die

Maybe not physically, but I knew something died inside

I don't know how many "me" died in that dark pit already,

But I was certain that there's a lot of ghosts that was still held hostage inside

Until I thought that maybe I could help myself,

in some ways, inside my own head

I favor my positive persona with a gift of strength, love, and purity through a white dress

with a thought that it might save me, or something inside me

Only to find out that it doesn't fit, she ripped it off and blind folded herself with it

Confused, I let it be, I let her be

It was pretty well at first, everything is as sweet as a lollipop

and I felt like a 5 year old kid enjoying every bit of it

She makes everything chocolate-coated,

Like I was on a sweet wonderland

She gets stronger in my head, well that's good

'Cause it clouds the negative one saying "I have warned you before", "that was a mistake", 

"I already see that coming"

Instead, I hear "maybe there is a better reason", "maybe you are just too good for them",

"maybe they could still change" or "maybe we could try again"

And I said yes sure! That is a greater thing to hear and to think

Not until I found myself hostage again,

Not by my negative persona, but my positive one

I felt betrayed, I felt confused and drained

Only to find out that she become a bigger predator that she was

They once fed on other people's actions

But this time, she feeds me and she feds on me

She feeds me with those chocolate coated lies and thoughts that everything will be okay, 

everything is good, and Im fine

And she feeds on my naiveness, yet I wonder why Im so drained and confused

I felt I was consumed by own self

This time I felt hostage, 

but not the ones alive, but the one who already died

and with a strange faith,

died the second time.

The first one who died is my trust, 

the second?

My self-trust.